Hello world! My name is Brennan Klein, Travis’ roommate and curator of the movie blog Popcorn Culture. Since I’m the world’s most renowned horror obsessive, Travis asked me to pen (keyboard?) a special Halloween article for W&S.
I thought and thought about what I wanted to write for this very special occasion and it occured to me… isn’t every reputable blog posting a Halloween movie list this week? In the interest of being as disreputable as possible, I’ve come up with the best Halloween treat imaginable. And I’ve got something for everyone.
The 15 Sexiest Horror Victims (Male and Female)
Real quick, some list rules. First of all, this is completely subjective so if you disagree feel free to do so – and make sure to leave plenty of venomous comments below. Second, I will not be considering characters from remakes in this list because everybody knows they’re just an excuse to tell the same story with sexier actors. And third, these people might not necessarily perish. The only criterion for “victim” is that they are put in grave peril. So survivors totally count, just not villains (sorry Moira from American Horror Story!).
#15 Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) – Halloween
No list of, well anything would be complete without including Jamie Lee Curtis. Especially when you’re talking about horror films. This shining angel was the Final Girl in the lion’s share of the best slasher films of all time, including Halloween, Halloween II, Halloween: H20, Terror Train, and Prom Night. Because she’s gorgeous but not overwhelmingly so and also because she’s a gimme for this kind of list, she takes the last spot to leave room for some more… creative entries.
#14 Clear Rivers (Ali Larter) – Final Destination 2
Despite an overwhelmingly stupid name, Clear was the only survivor of death’s rampage in the original film. Back then she was just a gawky high school student but now she’s all grown up, large and in charge. Ali Larter is an overwhelmingly underappreciated actress and it is my great honor to bring her to the public eye. All eight of you.
#13 Jannicke (Ingrid Bolsø Berdal) – Cold Prey
Call me biased, but I love tough chicks. Jannicke has the mettle to survive two Mountain Man rampages – first in an abandoned ski lodge and next in a small town hospital where she’s recovering from her wounds. One of the smartest slasher heroines out there (save one terribly written moment in Act 3 of Cold Prey 2), this Norwegian fireball is spunky, confident, and I think her haircut is cool so there’s that too.
#12 Megan Halsey (Barbara Crampton) – Re-Animator
Most recently starring in the fantastic horror comedy You’re Next, Barbara Crampton was one of the lower tier 80’s Scream Queens, capturing the imaginations of many a young boy with her blonde bob and piercing blue eyes. Questioning my choices? Check out this NSFW-ish still from From Beyond. Now don’t ever doubt me again.
#11 MaryBeth Dunston (Danielle Harris) – Hatchet II
Danielle Harris has been fighting serial killers since she was 11, when she starred in Halloween 4 and 5 as Jamie Lloyd, Laurie Strode’s orphaned daughter (don’t ask). With more edgy roles in Rob Zombie’s Halloween and Halloween II and Adam Green’s tongue-in-cheek slasher sequels Hatchet II and III, she’s been able to show off her badass smouldering side, like in this NSFW (read: BUTT) shower scene from Hatchet III.
#10 Amy (Jena Malone) – The Ruins
As the film adaptation of my favorite horror novel, it’s too bad that The Ruins was the worst, but at least the cast was jam-packed full of pretty people. The filmmakers at least got that right. A+ for effort.
#9 Ángela Vidal (Manuela Velasco) – [REC]
There’s not that many screengrabs of this film where she isn’t covered in sweat and blood, but this newscaster from Barcelona will steal your heart with her cute smile, unique cheekbones, and… her boobs, if you’re into that.
#8 Erin (Sharni Vinson) – You’re Next
The ultimate Final Girl. It’s a shame more people didn’t go see You’re Next because watching Erin defend her boyfriend’s household is a sight to behold. Badass. Definitely not squeamish. Australian. This girl’s less sugar, more spice.
#7 Cici (Sarah Michelle Gellar) – Scream 2
Buffy as a designated driver sorority sister? Watching Nosferatu on TV? Oh Kevin Williamson, you sly dog. One of Ghostface’s feistiest victims, Cici don’t take no sh%t. Although her two scenes in Scream 2 were far too brief, she’ll forever remain one of the most memorable actresses under the knife.
#6 The Twins (Camilla and Carey Moore) – Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter
OK, they’re sexy in a very very 80’s way. But do me a favor. Close your eyes, transport yourself back in time to 1984. Pick up your Rubik’s Cube, put on your parachute pants and head out to the video store to pick yourself up a black rectangle of terror. Pop that VHS in and tell me these girls aren’t everything you’ve ever dreamed about.
#5 Rachel (Naomi Watts) – The Ring
Naomi Watts. Duh. She gets extra points for The Ring actually being better than the Japanese movie it was based on.
#4 Melanie Daniels (Tippi Hedren) – The Birds
There’s always room for classic beauty on this list. Melanie Daniels is a San Francisco socialite who’s determined to find her calling in life – and look stone cold gorgeous while doing it. Absolutely fabulous.
#3 Debra Moynihan (Michelle Morgan) – Diary of the Dead
The hipster girlfriend of a young film student, Debra puts her camcorder-addicted beau in his place time and time again. Although she fails to save his life, she manages to carry out his vision, assembling and narrating the found footage film he was producing during the zombie apocalypse. This headstrong vixen knows what she wants and gets it. Talk about sexy.
#2 Juno (Natalie Mendoza) – The Descent
Can you tell I love badass chicks with weapons? I can’t help myself. Juno can hold her own against dozens of cave-dwelling monsters, and if that’s not a quality you want in a mate, you need to do some serious self-examining.
#1 Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts) – American Horror Story: Coven
She’s the queen of the night. Powerful, bold, and bitchy, Madison Montgomery’s sizzling bod and sharp tongue are too much for Miss Robichaux’s Academy of young witches. In her tight dress and stilettos, she’s the belle of every ball. She can curl your toes and flip a bus over with a flick of her wrist, all without breaking a sweat.
#15 Sverre (Mats Eldøen) – Cold Prey 2
He gets the not so coveted number 15 spot because he’s more cute than sexy but D’AWWWWW come on. His death scene is the hardest to watch. Absolutely heartbreaking. It’s like watching an anvil fall on a kitten.
#14 Tommy Jarvis (Thom Mathews) – Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives
Tommy Jarvis is the only person to defeat Jason three times in a row. And he lived to tell the tale! For that he gets my unconditional love and it doesn’t hurt that Thom Mathews (the third actor to play him after Corey Feldman and John Sheperd) is straight up 80’s handsome.
#13 Scott (Russell Todd): Friday the 13th: Part 2
Scott subverts expectations by not actually getting any during his stay at counselor training camp. Although he’s a douchey minor character who steals a skinny dipping girl’s clothes, it’s hard to ignore that strategically unbuttoned shirt. God, I love the 80’s.
#12 Glen Lantz (Johnny Depp) – A Nightmare on Elm Street
Johnny Depp, guys! Honestly, he’s never really been my style, but baseball midriff Depp is my favorite of his various looks.
#11 Ash Williams (Bruce Campbell) – Evil Dead II
His arm may be a chainsaw, but I assure you the rest is all man.
#10 Sam Loomis (John Gavin) – Psycho
I just rewatched this classic Hitchcock film in my horror movie class and I’d never noticed it before, but this guy’s a hunk! I’m not usually into the weird old timey wrestler “I’mma pull my pants up to my nipples” style but he pulls it off in a major way.
#9 Eirik (Tomas Alf Larsen) – Cold Prey
Jannicke’s other half. It’s fitting that both of them are on this list, because they are the First Couple of attractive slasher characters.
#8 Joe Lynch (Shawn Ashmore) – Frozen
Shawn Ashmore has long been a love of mine. His career trajectory exactly maps out the various stages of my life. When I was obsessed with Animorphs, he played Jake on the short-lived Nickelodeon show. When I was obsessed with X-Men, he played Iceman. When I got into horror, he appeared in the adaptation of my favorite book (The Ruins). And when I got into Adam Green (the indie horror darling who directed Hatchet), lo and behold but he should show up in Frozen, Green’s take on survival horror. Good times. Shawn Ashmore was my first celebrity crush and I hold a very very dear place in my heart for him.
#7 Darryl (Shaun Sipos) – Texas Chainsaw 3D
Forget the terrible use of 3D technology. Forget the unlikeable characters and ugly set design. Forget the fact that the obviously 21 year old protagonist is (according to the prologue) in her late 30’s. This hitchhiking hunk makes that terrible trek worth it. Also I’m pretty sure Alexandra Daddario wears that exact same shirt later on.
#6 Curt (Chris Hemsworth) – The Cabin in the Woods
Literally the one movie where Chris Hemsworth’s hair isn’t a Mount Vesuvius of grease. I thank the difficult to appease gods for that one.
#5 Mike Brennan (John Terlesky) – Chopping Mall
Chopping Mall has everything. Hilariously atrocious lines of dialogue (my personal favorite being “Waitress! More butter!”), a slew of partying teenagers, and malfunctioning mall security robots bent on destruction. Oh, and John Terlesky. This late period slasher is notable for showing just as much male flesh as the females and thank goodness for that.
#4 Hunt (Nick Zano) – The Final Destination
Why are all the douchey characters the best looking one? Oh wait, my mistake. Every male character in horror is a terrible person. Carry on. “The“ Final Destination (aka the sneaky name for Final Destination 4) is another of those rare horror films that obviously prefers hard pecs to topless women, and I can’t say I blame them.
#3 Luke (Alexander Vlahos) – Truth or Die
I’m absolutely not into the stoner type but this Brit charmer is the smartest character in the film, instantly betraying his terrible terrible friends and leaving them to the devices of the psychopathic madman, a course of action which I wholeheartedly support. Also he’s scrumptious and he wears sweaters sometimes.
#2 Ben Harmon (Dylan McDermott) – American Horror Story: Murder House
When I grow up I want to be the American Horror Story casting director. Could you imagine? This psychosexual show has two top entries on my list for good reason. 10/10 would recommend. Dirty little secret: He’s 52 years old. No, I don’t get it either.
#1 Wes (Jamie Kristian) – 100 Bloody Acres
Maybe I have a thing for blondes. Wes is another heavy drug user (should I do some deep reflecting here?). He’s the life of the party, but not much help when it comes to escaping two Outback blood-and-bone fertilizer manufacturers who need more product. But it’s all good, because everyone can have a piece.
Happy Halloween, everyone!